7years, AbusiveRelationship, Broken, Broken Hearted, Codependency, Codependent, Dysfunctional, Dysfunctional Relationships, Heart Broken, Life, Lost, Love, My Life, Narcissistic, Narcissistic relationship, Patner, Relationship, Struggles
I felt your pain as you scratched your face bloody, I held my tongue as you argued over something so meaningless because I knew how much you were hurting. I felt your pain as we visited the hospital for your allergy tests and they showed up negative for everything you couldn’t eat, unexplained. I felt your pain as the doctors prescribed more steroids and finally felt your relief at finding a herbal med that appeared to ‘help’. I felt your frustration after researching how a lady had taken these medication and developed kidney failure. I was there by your side as you struggled every day, figuring out what you could and couldn’t eat. I was there by your side as you screamed feeling so defeated. Through the worst of your days, I was there. I was there as you stayed in bed all day on your birthday, crushed and depressed, crying. I listened year after year as you moaned and complained strangers/family/friends looked at you different, treated you different because you thought your self to be ‘ugly’ and I assured you, you were and will always be handsome in my eyes. I told you over and over you were everything to me, that I will always be here for you as long as we both upheld up the foundations of this relationship.
We stopped going out, you said you didn’t want to, that you couldn’t eat outside food and you became so insecure, so I said it was okay. You stopped hanging out with my friends and I made excuses on your behalf. I tried my best to buy you free from foods so you didn’t feel so lonely, I tried to cook us fresh foods that you cold eat because we were in this together. I let my life become all about you. You needed me, I was there, you were jobless yet again, I gave you money, you were in overdraft yet again so I gave you more money. You liked my nails painted so I painted them. You didn’t like my hair up so I kept it down. You didn’t like my small glasses so I wore the oversized ones. You didn’t like my shoes so I bought new ones. You made last minute plans and I said I’ll be there. You specified times you were free even though I knew you had no other plans but I took all the time I could get with you. You turned up unannounced after work whenever you needed me and I told you how happy I was to see you. You talked on and on about all you worries, your problems, your struggles, same story everyday to a point where my voice was no longer heard, my problems unimportant but I listened. The little boundaries I had, you broke down and I let you. I let you consume my time, my space. Every time I said no you relentlessly pushed until you got a yes. Every time I was happy you somehow manged to bring me down. Every time I was hopeful you somehow manged to make me feel just like you, lost confused unappreciative of everything I had but I kept coming back to you and I didn’t know why. I truly believed you will never stop loving me. I truly believed as you pushed me away, belittled me and made me feel like I was nothing that at the end of our troubles which went up and and down, up and down like a frenzied roller coaster, that you always had my best interests at heart just like I had yours. That I meant everything to you just like you did to me, that you will never do anything to hurt me although you had for so long. That you wouldn’t break down the trust we had in each other, although you had already done, so many times before where deep down I had stopped trusting you. Where your promises meant nothing and your words so empty but I needed to hear them anyways because I just couldn’t let myself believe that we were past saving, that my love couldn’t fix you, that the more engulfed you became with your dreams of money and power the less you heard my voice. My voice became a whisper to silence.
We sat to watch the sunset but I felt so alone. We lay together side by side on this huge bed but we were so far apart. I sat there and I cried but you were past caring. I tried because I knew this was it. I tried to hold on, I tried to fix you, I tried to fix us but my tears were meaningless to your eyes, my pleading words just hollow whispers to your ears. 7 and half years later, I finally found myself falling, this time no empty words to catch me, into a shroud of darkness, so lonely so broken like I had never felt before.